December 9, 2014

Family of Five

These photos are from a while ago, but I've decided to post them anyways. Here we are, a family of 5 now. BAM! It happened like that. And TWINS!!! We are parents to TWINS!!! Sometimes it still feels unreal when I say that out loud. The twins are 41/2 months old already, but it feels like it was just yesterday that they were born. Actually... it feels like it was yesterday that Raleigh was born! A lot has happened since we became a family of 5. Two weeks before the girls arrived we moved into our fist home. Months prior to that we were slaving away at remodeling and painting and preparing to make the home "ours". Once the boxes were all in the new house, Jocilynn Jeanne and Jaelynn Marie decided to come on July 21st at 2:22 and 2:34 am. Three months after their arrival we traveled for 3 weeks with Shane and his basketball team up the coast of California. And a month after that we moved to Germany which is where we will be for the next 6 months. (but more on that later). 

The transition has been quite an adjustment to say the least. I get asked a lot how its been for me, how I do it all, and honestly I don't really know how to answer. Looking back on the last 4 months I think I've just had to take it one day at a time. When they arrived I still felt like I was just getting the hang of being a mom to Raleigh and now all of a sudden I have THREE little ones to take care of! In a nutshell it's been hard, and overwhelming, and challenging, but I get a handful of moments here and there where I'm filled with thankfulness that God chose me to be their mom. I see glimpses of how life is going to be (and already is) so full to see these three grow to love and care for each other. I see already how great of a big sister Raleigh is to them. She's taken it on like a natural and I'm so thankful for how she loves them already. Among the daily grind of changing diapers, feeding and bathing and swaddling  and repeat, I think the most challenging thing for me in all of this is how I can't be 3 people, or even just 2 people, at once. Its humbling, really. Its frustrating and humbling. I knew that things would be a challenge with having three babies under one and I was ready for it (or so I thought). I was ready to face the sleepless nights, the feedings, the crying, but this one, the one where I couldn't morph into multiple people at the snap of my fingers, this one I didn't really expect. Sure it'd be nice to be more than one person to get more done in an hour, but more so than that its the feeling of wanting to love them and be with each of them to the fullest in each moment that I've wrestled with most. I want to give each of them all of me, my full attention and time. And sometimes its just not possible when one baby is crying and the other needs to be fed and the other wants to be held. I'm learning, though, in the midst of all of this how much I need Jesus and others to get us through this season. How much I need to trust that God is filling in the gaps where I can't be. That he is taking care of these littles and loving them more than I know and can fathom. 

As hard as it is at times, the joy these three bring is so much more worth any amount of frustration than we feel in the moment. I imagine this will be something I will continue to grow and trust in the more kids we have (yes, we plan on having more :)). Its all pretty surreal to me still, the fact that I'm a mom to three. I'm learning a lot. So I guess that would be my answer the next time someone asks "how are you doing it? how has it been for you?" I'm learning. I'm learning to let others in and help. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to love more. I'm learning to take deep breaths. I'm learning to ask. I'm learning to trust. The truth is, when I step back and look at it all I really wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I wouldn't trade the hard nights, the long feedings, the tears for not having it at all. I know that I've been trusted to love these girls and take care of them and grow them to be all who they are intended to be. And I wouldn't trade the world for the privilege of that and the deep joy that comes with and through it all. 

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