April 13, 2015

13/52- Twins

52 project- a portrait project of my girls once a week, every week in 2015

These were taken a couple weeks ago when the twins turned 8 months old. I can't believe its been that long already, yet I find myself continuing to look forward to the next phase for them. Its been kind of a nerve wrecking past couple weeks for us around here. After a few weeks of thinking in the back of my mind that they looked so tiny, I decided to check in about it and discovered that they've been pretty underweight. Of course this sent me into a whirl of emotions, wondering how I could've let this happen or let it go on for as long as it had. Then came the guilt and shame of feeling like I wasn't able to give them what they needed from nursing alone. This being a mom of twins thing isn't easy. I'm constantly going through the questions of if I'm giving them enough time or attention. If I'm with one I feel bad that I'm not with the other. Fear set in when I learned of their weight and what needed to be done to get them back up to speed. I spent a good portion of nights crying and asking God to take care of them, to protect them and fill in where I felt I had left empty. He reminded me of this: that He loves them deeply.  That he loves them more than I can fathom. And where there is love, there is no fear at all. 

After getting them on fattening foods and slowly helping them eat more and more its been almost a total change in demeanor for these two. Jocilynn is the smiliest most active little thing, pulling up and standing on everything. She squeals at the site of me walking into the room like she can't wait to play. Jaelynn has taken her belly scooting to a whole other level like she's off to the races. And she has the cutest giggly laugh. Both of them have been "talking" way more, having conversations with each other and their older sister. Its the sweetest thing to watch. A few weeks ago I couldn't put them down without them instantly starting to cry and now their interest to play and discover things on their own keeps them entertained for hours!

And seeing this change reminds me just how good God is. I still worry from time to time if they're growing healthily enough. I'm still trying to figure out how to manage being a mom simultaneously to three little ones that are so needy for me right now. Perhaps this is something I'll never "master", but maybe just get better at being able to give myself grace when I can't do everything on my own. This is probably how its meant to be though. Although we as moms want to do and be everything for our kids, I think God designed it this way for a reason. Because only then, in the gaps where we can't "be it all", is there room for God to be God. Only then is there room for me to lean into him and not on myself. Only then is there room for these little ones to lean into him when they realize I can't be God for them either. He loves them deeper and wider than I can even begin to imagine. And when I realize this over and over again, I know that I wouldn't want it to be any other way. 

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