Welcome to the Table

I hope your Easter weekend was an enjoyable one. This year I had the privilege to dream and create the ambiance and set up for the communion table at our church's Good Friday service. I had been creating and dreaming of the night for months and when it finally came I was so thankful for the response people took coming to the setting. 

The evening was held outside and was much less traditional than a "normal" Good Friday service you might expect. The goal of the evening was for our community to interact and engage in the night just as Jesus came to interact and engage with us. It was beautiful. So many came to participate as worship was held acoustically in one corner of the lawn, communion was held in another, and scripture was being read aloud around fire pits among the rest of the area. Art stations were placed where you could reflect on the cross and create a picture of what it meant to you. I think it was one of my favorite things to be a part of in a long time. 

My vision for the table was to create a scenery that looked and felt like you were actually coming to the table to be with Jesus as it would have been when he was here. A vision of a wedding table setting immediately came to mind when I started to dream. Lots of gold, cream, white, and hints of bold reds and greens. I asked people as they entered the area to picture themselves at the table with Jesus himself on the night of His last supper, as though they were in the same position and seating as the disciples. As they pictured this I asked them to reflect on the words Jesus said to them, telling them how much he deeply longed for the moment to sit with them and spend this last meal with them. That He purposefully chose them to be with Him and at the same time, in that very same moment, chose for us to be with Him too. When I, myself, reflected on this reality, it overwhelmed me. I think it made communion that much more meaningful for me. Something I never fully grasped, but once I put myself in this position, hearing Jesus speak my specific name, telling me how He chose to be with me and chose to go the cross for me, for the sin I have done and will do, it changed it all for me. How could I be loved so much!? How could He actually want to be with me that much that He would endure such a torturous and traumatic death? I don't get it. But I long deep in my soul for that kind of love and I'm overwhelmed with thankfulness that this love is true and is real. More than that, I'm filled with awe and gratitude that it was a choice He had to make, not something he was forced to do or magically manipulated into, He chose it…and He would choose it all over again if He had to. 

But the best news is that He doesn't have to choose it all over again because its already been done. It is finished. I'm sealed in His arms and He's sealed in my heart. There's nothing that can separate that, nothing, notta, zip! And I'm brought to tears all over again on what this weekend means. I long for my kids to grow up knowing this kind of love and choosing it for themselves someday. One of my favorite parts of the evening was watching so many different people come to the table. All ages young and old, different ethnicities, families gathering together, and some coming on their own, some people were dressed up, some came in regular old clothes, some with homes to go back to, some that have been living on the streets. It was the most beautiful picture of welcome and love knowing that this table is meant for just that…everyone and anyone. And for that I say, thank you, thank you, thank you, sweet Jesus. 

Valentines Love

I can't believe this little one is 5 months old already. And each day with her just gets better and better. That smile you see brings more joy than I could ever imagine. Funny how something so simple could fill my heart with so much love. Our first Valentines day as a family of three. I don't need any flowers or chocolate, just being with two of my favorite people is plenty for me to feel all the love in the world. 

This day is not just about the made up hallmark holiday for me. Sure, its a fun excuse to celebrate the ones we love and receive love in return, but more than that its forever a reminder of the love my God has for me. And again, not because its "valentine's day". This day 3 years ago my best friend, and literally the man of my dreams, asked me to be his wife. A day I dreamed of and longed for and prayed for even after a year of being broken up and having him tell me that we would never get back together and probably marry other people (yes, he was that blunt). I went through pain and hope and doubt all compiled into one crazy emotion on a day to day basis feeling like these things would never actually happen or come true, making me feel like the craziest person in the world (and I probably was). So when the day came that Shane told me he wanted to "talk" again and 2 weeks later when he purposed, the overwhelming thought I had through out all the other emotions you can imagine I was feeling was how good God is and how deep his love really really is for us. 

Now, I know this may seem like these words are just lovey dovey feel good words that sound like "ok God gave me what I wanted and so therefore, he loves me". NO, its more than that. I don't believe God loves me because my dreams came true. I believe God is good and loves me even if Shane never came to ask me to marry me. I believed it throughout the whole process of our separation, as hard hard hard as it was-- and trust me there were pleeeenty of times I wondered if I could believe God was good. I constantly come back to that year of my life being reminded that even though life doesn't go according to plan or what our deep desires long for, God is still good. Even in the midst of the heart-wrenching pain, he heard my prayers, he changed my heart and matured me in a way that only he could as I leaned into him. He carried my tears and his heart broke with mine. His arms were around me, holding me up through my anger and frustration. And he was perfectly ok with my anger and frustration. He let me be me.

I usually hesitate to write words about our love story or talk about it because I fear people will get the wrong message sounding like its all just a "happily ever after, fairytale, blah blah blah" story. But putting my fears aside of how people might take it, I see and believe that our story isn't about getting what I wanted, its about the love story God had with me. Just me and him. Getting to marry Shane was a bonus (like the best bonus ever). I don't wish the heart ache I went through on anyone, but I do know that it was only through the pain and brokenness that I was able to experience the reality of Jesus' deep affection for me and my desires. 

And as I write this, I realize there are lots and lots of people out there who never marry the person they want to, or who are grieving the loss of love for much longer than a year. I want it to be known that I deeply share the pain and devastation you must be feeling. And I share this story for you. Not to tell you that God will give you what you want if you pray hard enough or shape up, NO. I share it to tell you that he hears your heartache, he is grieving with you looking deep into your eyes and saying "I get it, I'm so so sorry, I love you more than you know imaginable." I share it to tell you that when you're feeling like he's not there, when all you can do is be angry and mad and want to use every cuss word known to man, he's there and he's ok with where you're at. You don't have to hide it from him, he knows. Be angry, get frustrated with him, tell him your honest opinion, and through the process let him love you. And when you do, I guarantee you'll experience more than you can think possible. You'll mature and grow into who he's made you and you won't know what hit you. He doesn't always answer prayers the way we want but he is still good. His love is deeper than we could imagine. He went through great lengths to show us that love and I know without a doubt that he would do it all over again. 

I didn't plan to write this much, but the words just kept coming out. I hope this was at least a brief glimpse of encouragement for at least one someone out there. I read this article yesterday and wish I could articulate as well as she did, but since I'm no english scholar take a read at her words and know they are mine too. 

Happy Valentines Day! You are deeply loved. 

AK & Lauren Portrait

It's been a while since I've drawn using the simple pencil and paper. The last time I drew a portrait was probably in college 5 or so years ago. When I found out two of my friends were getting married I knew I wanted to create something really special for them. I decided to pick up the pencil once again and challenge myself to attempt at drawing this portrait of them taken the day they got engaged. I thought for sure I'd end up frustrated with the results and never want to draw again, but after a few hours of drawing that seemed like minutes I was surprised that I really enjoyed the process. What made it even better was giving it to the happy couple the day before their wedding and I think they were just as pleased with the result as I was. I think I'll start challenging myself to more pieces like this more often. 

Valentine Memories & a gift for you.

I know I'm a day late on the Valentine's post, but I blame that on being stuck sick in bed the past couple days (bleh). I decided to post anyways, Valentine's day will always be one of my favorite memories. Two years ago (I can't believe its been two already) was the day the man of my dreams got down on his knee and popped the big question. He filled me with surprises that day, but him proposing in front of 30 of our friends and family on the 18th green at TPC Scottsdale was by far the biggest surprise of the day. And if you know me, you know I love surprises! This year is the last year we'll celebrate as just the two of us... kid-less. Next year we'll have a little one crawling around making the day even more full of love than I can even imagine right now! We did what we normally do on any other date night, dinner and a movie. Which was perfect. I'm just amazed that I get to live this life with this man by my side. He loves me better than anyone.

What are some of your favorite Valentine's day memories? 

And here's a little treat to say Happy Valentine's Day. Like my page on facebook to find a coupon to take 10% off any purchase in my Etsy shop now through Sunday. Enjoy!